6-Months Ago Tomorrow...

My heart just aches. I have thought about January 17th for a while. Six months just seems like such a significant period of time to pass since our loss. I remember in the moment, in the immediate days after, I didn't think it was possible for time to move forward. I remember the first week. Then the first month. Then the second and third. Then the fourth and fifth, and now tomorrow is the sixth.

In the beginning, I knew exactly how many days had passed. And then I would tick off the weeks. Now I count in months. For a long time in the summer, when I was home, I would wake up before 7:08. Angela was born at 7:08 AM and passed at 7:13 AM. I remember feeling guilty the first time I slept past 7:08 thinking "how could I not be awake for that!". That I had let our five minutes, OUR FIVE MINUTES pass.

Lots of things make me feel guilty. People that don't know me have asked if I have any children, and in the moment I say "no" because I think it isn't fair to unload something like that on a perfect stranger. I've thought of saying something like, "none living". But I don't. I don't want to be a buzz kill. Then I feel horrible. I feel like I've denied her. And that hurts.

Last night, I was updating my high school alumni stuff through some 800 number they sent to my parents. The women asked me if I had any children. And I paused. Finally, I said "yes, her name is Angela, but she is deceased". I would not deny her her in writing.

I think of music as the soundtrack of my life. There are songs that make me think of vacations, high school soccer, college, my husband, our wedding and a million other moments.

There are several songs that make me thing of Angela. In the summer, when I started running, I listened to "Don't Give Up" by Peter Gabriel for five miles. That was the first time I had run that far without stopping in a long time. I would think to myself that I had such a gift of life. Good health. And strong bones. That I had a personal angel on my shoulder running with me, and I did not want to let her down.

don't give up'

cause you have friends

don't give up

you're not the only one

don't give up

no reason to be ashamed

don't give up

you still have us

don't give up now

we're proud of who you are

don't give up

you know it's never been easy

don't give up'

cause I believe there's a place

there's a place where we belong

Then my sister told me about a song that she heard on the radio. The song was familiar, but I liked the version by Brad Paisley and Dolly Parton that I had heard before. The song is "When I Get Where I'm Going". They have a beautiful harmony, and my favorite part of the song is towards the end when they sang:

But when I get where I'm going

And I see my Makers face

I'll stand forever in the light

Of His amazing grace

Christmas was hard, but to make myself feel better, I thought of this song, and how lucky that Angela was able to spend her first Christmas with Jesus.

A song I heard in October by Garth Brooks almost required me to pullover. Maybe I was sad because it was October 17th, and it was the three month mark. It was a song I had heard before, but listening to the lyrics, there was a new meaning. The song is "When You Come Back To Me". The lyrics from that song that touch my heart are:

On a prayer,

In a song,

I hear your voice,

And it keeps me hanging on.

Oh, raining down, against the wind.

I’m reaching out,‘

Till we reach the circle’s end.

When you come back to me again.

But there is one song, a song above all the others, that makes me think of this summer. It is the song "Hey There Delilah" by Plain White T's. I loved this song all summer. It's just simple and pretty. I love the name Delilah. It makes me think of my Mom's grandma's name, Delia (pronounced Deal-ia). I remember driving along, hearing the song, and asking Dave about naming our little girl Delilah. We obviously picked a different name, but this song holds a special place in my heart. No meaningful lyrics, just a pretty song that makes me think of Angela, and the summer. On a good day when I hear this song, I smile. On a not-so-good day, it makes me sad. But I never change the station.

Tonight, I took a Yoga class that was very enjoyable and pretty much kicked my butt. For the last five minutes, she had us lay with our eyes closed to relax. The last song that she played was one I had never heard before, but I looked it up when I got home. The song is called 'A Hundred Thousand Angels' by Bliss. You can imagine that hearing the lyrics to this song made my heart melt. Maybe I was too relaxed. But I like to think that it was a sign from Angela. The last words to the song are, "There's a hundred thousand angels by your side".

Tomorrow will be hard. But I know I'll get through it. We'll get through it. We have each other. And together we have gotten through six-months with our angel by our side.