Word Choice...

Today I was in a meeting, a long 5-hour business review with a supplier that had flown in from Boston. All great people, the product is really interesting, and there were some all around good questions asked relating to the future contract negotiations that will be taking place.

With that said, towards the end of the review, we were discussing SLA's and customer complaints. The one guy from the supplier was super nice, but used odd words to describe things. He was a bit wordy in his responses too. I don't think he was in sales, but sometimes he moved around the answer. Articulate words generally impress me. Some people really have a way with the spoken word, or can pull words out of their hat that are perfect in describing something that I would have used something so basic for.

Anyhow, I became very distracted after he used the word "autopsy" to describe additional research for customer complaints. "We'll have to do some additional autopsy work to identify the issues". Who the F--K uses that word to describe what most people would refer to as ANALYSIS. Additional ANALYSIS you nimrod!

I should have given him the business on the intimate knowledge of the word autopsy and all that word entails. But I didn't.

Thank goodness that was one of the last few statements in the meeting, because after that I was toast. My mind was jammed with thinking about Angela, waiting for the autopsy results, and then getting upset because as time has passed, I sometimes don't remember what it felt like to hold her. How I wish I had held her tighter, closer, and longer. That I would have traced my fingers around her face, hands and feet. She was so tiny, and I was so scared and shocked and on a lot of drugs, so the memories are a bit fuzzy.

My sister brought a pink blanket to the hospital that Angela was wrapped in from the hospital to the funeral home. That blanket was on our bed for months. I slept with it everynight. That and the bear they took pictures of her with. I still touch them frequently because I know that she touched them. They are such treasures. Especially the blanket because it is so pretty and soft and I know she was wrapped in love and comfort.

And now I am crying.

Good night.

Success + Week of the Treadmill/Cleaning

Holy cow, it's been almost a week since my last post.

I met 99.99% of my goals last week. I worked out 3-days (Mon/Wed/Sun), I ran my 2.0 miles without stopping (today!) and I didn't drink any Diet Coke. I have only drank water with the exception of the wedding reception we went to last night. I admit, I had some Gin & Tonics. I figured it was "light" alcohol in a clear CAFFEINE FREE almost like water liquid.

However, I did not drink too much at the reception, although my wonderful husband cannot say the same. I managed to sleep in a bit, get my coupons cut and make my grocery list, go to the gym and run my 2.0 miles and take an awesome Yoga class. I really enjoy the Sunday Yoga. A nice way to relax before hitting Giant Eagle for the first time in WEEKS! I saved almost $25 with my coupons and double coupons! Coupons rock :)

So what will next week entail?? Well, since I did so well with the water, I'm going to try and carry that over a bit and limit my Diet Coke to one a day (16 oz) but for only three days a week, Mon/Wed/Fri. I bought some lemons and cut them up to bring into work to make the water more enjoyable. When I drink a lot of water, it makes me have to pee a ridiculous amount. More then when I drink Diet Coke, which I don't understand at all because Diet Coke is a diuretic. I just like to think that I have excellent kidneys. Although Noreen told me Friday night that when you drink a lot of water, you lose potassium, so I bought some bananas at the store today.

OK. Back to this weeks goals...

1. Get my running up to 2.5 miles nonstop.
2. Walk/Run at least 4-miles a day on the treadmill everyday but Wednesday when I have Yoga @ 5:30.
3. Spend 30-minutes cleaning each day. Simple things like a underneath my sink, a closet, etc.

The biggest challenge with this weeks goals is the 4-miles a day. But, I'm going to bust my ass to get it done. Remember, I'm in two weddings this year :)

Have a fabulous week!

H2O -- Day 1 -- THIS SUCKS!

OMG. The Week of Water SUCKS Monkey nuts. This is awful...awful...awful.

Of course I did this without thinking of the week ahead. I have plans Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday. Water goes through Sunday...what the hell was I thinking?

I have not decided, but I've thought about at least being able to add chocolate milk to the equation. Regular milk is just disgusting, but the low-fat chocolate is *almost* as nutritionally sound. Plain water is so boring! I think I had 8,000 oz. of the clear stuff today. Normally, that is 8,000 oz. of Diet Coke...so I guess that's a good thing. Maybe I'll have a beautiful complexion when this is all over.

So, I ran 1.5 miles non-stop today. Making progress towards the 2.0 mile goal that needs to be achieved by Sunday. Progress...Slow and Steady means progress, right?

Week of ??

Well, I successfully wrapped up my first week of doing something. This past week was "Week of the Soup". I had soup everyday for at least one meal. Today I had Spaghetti-O's to go with a grilled cheese sandwich. What a perfect day for that.

So I'm trying to decide what to do for next week.
Week of the salad?
Week of water?
Week of the gym?

Maybe I'll do a combo. Week of water + 3-days at the gym.

A little birdie told me something yesterday that I am stuck on. This special person asked a psychic about me. And without too much info, the gist of it is that I need to take good care of myself. It looks like my timing of trying to do healthy things weekly might have come at a good time.

Last Monday I was only able to run 1.0 miles without stopping. Wednesday, I was able to do 1 .25 miles, then Yoga for an hour. Saturday, I walked for an hour, and today I did another one hour Yoga class. Let's hope I keep doing more of the same! By the end of this week, I would like to be at 2.0 miles without stopping.

So, I apologize to my co-workers right now...the week of water will not be an easy feat. They are well aware of my Diet Coke addiction....and I'm hoping that I helped the withdrawal process by starting today.

6-Months Ago Tomorrow...

My heart just aches. I have thought about January 17th for a while. Six months just seems like such a significant period of time to pass since our loss. I remember in the moment, in the immediate days after, I didn't think it was possible for time to move forward. I remember the first week. Then the first month. Then the second and third. Then the fourth and fifth, and now tomorrow is the sixth.

In the beginning, I knew exactly how many days had passed. And then I would tick off the weeks. Now I count in months. For a long time in the summer, when I was home, I would wake up before 7:08. Angela was born at 7:08 AM and passed at 7:13 AM. I remember feeling guilty the first time I slept past 7:08 thinking "how could I not be awake for that!". That I had let our five minutes, OUR FIVE MINUTES pass.

Lots of things make me feel guilty. People that don't know me have asked if I have any children, and in the moment I say "no" because I think it isn't fair to unload something like that on a perfect stranger. I've thought of saying something like, "none living". But I don't. I don't want to be a buzz kill. Then I feel horrible. I feel like I've denied her. And that hurts.

Last night, I was updating my high school alumni stuff through some 800 number they sent to my parents. The women asked me if I had any children. And I paused. Finally, I said "yes, her name is Angela, but she is deceased". I would not deny her her in writing.

I think of music as the soundtrack of my life. There are songs that make me think of vacations, high school soccer, college, my husband, our wedding and a million other moments.

There are several songs that make me thing of Angela. In the summer, when I started running, I listened to "Don't Give Up" by Peter Gabriel for five miles. That was the first time I had run that far without stopping in a long time. I would think to myself that I had such a gift of life. Good health. And strong bones. That I had a personal angel on my shoulder running with me, and I did not want to let her down.

don't give up'

cause you have friends

don't give up

you're not the only one

don't give up

no reason to be ashamed

don't give up

you still have us

don't give up now

we're proud of who you are

don't give up

you know it's never been easy

don't give up'

cause I believe there's a place

there's a place where we belong

Then my sister told me about a song that she heard on the radio. The song was familiar, but I liked the version by Brad Paisley and Dolly Parton that I had heard before. The song is "When I Get Where I'm Going". They have a beautiful harmony, and my favorite part of the song is towards the end when they sang:

But when I get where I'm going

And I see my Makers face

I'll stand forever in the light

Of His amazing grace

Christmas was hard, but to make myself feel better, I thought of this song, and how lucky that Angela was able to spend her first Christmas with Jesus.

A song I heard in October by Garth Brooks almost required me to pullover. Maybe I was sad because it was October 17th, and it was the three month mark. It was a song I had heard before, but listening to the lyrics, there was a new meaning. The song is "When You Come Back To Me". The lyrics from that song that touch my heart are:

On a prayer,

In a song,

I hear your voice,

And it keeps me hanging on.

Oh, raining down, against the wind.

I’m reaching out,‘

Till we reach the circle’s end.

When you come back to me again.

But there is one song, a song above all the others, that makes me think of this summer. It is the song "Hey There Delilah" by Plain White T's. I loved this song all summer. It's just simple and pretty. I love the name Delilah. It makes me think of my Mom's grandma's name, Delia (pronounced Deal-ia). I remember driving along, hearing the song, and asking Dave about naming our little girl Delilah. We obviously picked a different name, but this song holds a special place in my heart. No meaningful lyrics, just a pretty song that makes me think of Angela, and the summer. On a good day when I hear this song, I smile. On a not-so-good day, it makes me sad. But I never change the station.

Tonight, I took a Yoga class that was very enjoyable and pretty much kicked my butt. For the last five minutes, she had us lay with our eyes closed to relax. The last song that she played was one I had never heard before, but I looked it up when I got home. The song is called 'A Hundred Thousand Angels' by Bliss. You can imagine that hearing the lyrics to this song made my heart melt. Maybe I was too relaxed. But I like to think that it was a sign from Angela. The last words to the song are, "There's a hundred thousand angels by your side".

Tomorrow will be hard. But I know I'll get through it. We'll get through it. We have each other. And together we have gotten through six-months with our angel by our side.

One Mile

That's as far as I got today on the treadmill without stopping.

In the summer, I made an effort to run and get back in shape. I just felt frumpy and had a little baby weight but no baby. I decided it would help if I trained for a half-marathon. I found one that was going to be October 7th, The Tow Path Marathon. I ran the half and finished in 2:21:26.30. Of course Dave beat me and finished at 2:21:26.25. Really, he could have crushed me, but he stayed with me to make sure I finished.

I was so proud of myself. Maybe not that day because I was hoping to run the whole thing with out stopping, but I hit a wall at mile 11 and that's when I had to start my walk/run. I didn't think I would ever get to the finish line. Dave tried to motivate me, but after a while he only irritated me and I told him to shut his pie hole, but maybe not so eloquently. This race was a lot different then running the Cleveland half. At the Cleveland, there were so many people cheering you on. This was in a metroparks setting on a thin path, and and it was TOUGH to not be able to see the end or have people cheering for you.

Looking back though, I ran 11 miles without stopping! That's 11 times better then I did today! The first half-marathon I did was in 2006. Oh man did I suck! I didn't even train for that. This one I at least ran consistently and did the "long runs". I'm sure I could have done a lot better knowing how hard David has trained for his two marathons.

So, one mile. I'm back to the beginning. When I was home all summer, my first run was .50 miles. Then slowly I moved up. I'm hoping I'll be able to increase my distance.

All in all, I did three miles today. Half running and half walking. Hopefully tomorrow will be a bit more running, and slowly the scales will tip back in my favor. Literally.

I even drank 32 oz of water at work today...what an accomplishment!

Baby steps....

New Years Resolution(s)...The Week of Soup

So, I've put off posting this idea because I am hoping that by putting it in writing here will hold me to be accountable...and I'm not sure that I was ready until now...

This new year, 13-days in, I have thought about having a series of resolutions for each week instead of one giant one.

When I did my pregnancy blog, each week I was pregnant, babycenter.com would send me an update as to how big the baby was...a fig, a bean, a banana, etc. I would then think of that week as the "week of the bean".

For New Years, I was thinking of picking some random thing for each week and sticking to it. Examples include going to the gym everyday for 7-days. Eating salad for lunch everyday, soup for another, giving up Diet Coke for a week. Drinking 8-glasses of water a day, etc. The point of each week is to do something healthy for that week (mind, body, spirit...or whatever) and feel successful about something...and hopefully, carry some of the good habits forward.

Thank God I did not suggest that next week (tomorrow) would be the week of the gym in the morning because after going out last night for dinner and drinks with friends, I was up early to go to a bridal show...I'm exhausted...and in no condition to get up at 5:30 for the fitness center.

So, now I have to decide what week this will be...I'm not ready for Diet Coke yet. Maybe next week.

Hmmm....Since I didn't go grocery shopping today (lazy), I nominate this week will be the week of eating soup everyday for lunch. Of course a healthy variety.

List of Ideas

1. Salad every day
2. No Diet Coke
3. Only 12-oz of Diet Coke
4. No Alcohol
5. Eight glasses of water
6. Soup everyday
7. Something green everyday (fruit, veggie, salad)
8. Milk everyday (GROSS!)
9. Gym everyday
10. Clean for an hour everyday (this will suck!)

Any other ideas?

My Most Irrational Fear

Mine is getting my hand caught in the garbage disposal.

This is one of the most terrifying sounds and mental images that I have.

Whenever I use the disposal, I pull my hands away, clench my fists, close my eyes and hope my fingers won't get chewed up.

When Dave uses the disposal, I could be in the other room and he'll shout for me to move my hands because he's going to use it and then start laughing at me. My natural instinct still forces me to clench my fist.

I have no idea what this fear stems from, but it's very real. To the point, that my heart skips a beat, I get nervous, and I think about how awful it would be to have your hand chewed off by a disposal. I know, I'm a freak.

Now that I have told you this, next time you use your disposal, you'll be very aware of where your digits are.

I'm sure I have more. But this is the one that pops into my head the most. And since I'm bored out of my mind right now doing "work work", I thought I would take a moment, switch PC's and share my craziness.

Angels of Friendship

Amy, Susie and Dawn - 2/27/2004

Two of my best friends from college are Amy and Dawn. They are two of the first people I met when I moved into my dorm room on my first day of college at Ohio University. Amy was my roommate, and Dawn lived right next door. I was nervous about Amy because she informed me as we were unpacking that she did not like U2. We were listening to 'Joshua Tree' and I just about fell over thinking "this will not work". Fortunately, I've was able to convert her over the years.

Dawn shared the wooden wall with us :) This clearly means that we were more than just neighbors, we were 'practically' roommates! We heard each other coming and going, would some times knock on the wood for fun, and even listened to Dawn get her ass beat by her crazy roommate of the quarter. That's a whole other story, but the highlight is that Amy and I heard the fight through the wooden wall, and opened our dorm room door just fast enough for a just showered, naked Dawn running into our room after her crazy roommate jumped her. It was so not funny then, but of course, it's hilarious now....I digress.

These two have been in my life now for 11-years. That seems so crazy!

The purpose of this post is to share with you just how special they are. After losing Angela, they were great. They called frequently, sent cards, came to visit, they were the best. Talking to them was so nice. Sometimes, I didn't even talk to them or return their calls, and I knew that would be OK. They understood. They gave me my space. They emailed to let me know when I was ready, they were there.

The three of us lead busy lives full of work, loving marriages or significant others, and all the other good things life brings. We have a tendency to play phone tag so much, it's a running joke.

In November, Dave and I went to Las Vegas during the week we were due. When we returned, there was a card in the mail attached to a gift box. We opened the gift, and there was a beautiful figurine from Hallmark called 'Angel of Faith'. Their card was full of love and friendship, letting David and I know they were thinking of us during our difficult time. It brought tears to my eyes. I remember putting off my 'thank you' call because I was emotional. When I did call, it was our typical case of phone tag. I remember just leaving a normal message for Amy, wanting to wait until we spoke to say 'thank you'. I left a message for Dawn, and I don't remember what I said, but I started to cry and ended up leaving a weird abrupt message. I saw Dawn a few weeks later at her holiday party and thanked her, and then Amy and I continued our phone tag.

Ames called today, and during our conversation, I realized that we had not spoken since early November and that I had never said 'thank you' for the beautiful gift. This is very uncharacteristic of me, and fortunately, Amy was Amy and was not upset by my lack of grace.

I've attached a picture of the Angel for all to see. It is absolutely beautiful and brings a smile to my face every time I see it.

Amy and Dawn are my Angels of Friendship. I love them both so dearly and think of them all the time. We have the best type of friendship. One that is always there, whether we talk every day or once a month. We never skip a beat and we always have fun hearing what's going on with each other.

Now that I'm writing this, I think I owe Dawn a call.....Damn phone tag!!!

Oh My Arms!

I have spent the last two Saturday's at David's Bridal with my two friends getting married next year. Both have asked me to be in their weddings, which is fabulous! But, now I need to get my ass in gear and work on the arms.

• Jen's bridesmaid dress is strapless.
• Nichole doesn't know yet. I tried on both straps & strapless for her.

I love the dresses. They'll both be great. What I don't like is that my current arms flap in the wind a bit. I better get cracking!!!

**Update: Chinese food for dinner did not support my arm wings :)

I added a counter.

Dave thinks I'm a nerd and that I'm the only one that reads my blog. I don't remember how this came up during our gourmet Subway dinner tonight. But, we were chatting about the blog and he said this in a teasing yet loving way that only he can get away with.

When I told him I would add a counter, he accused me that I would 'hit' the site all the time just to fudge the numbers. I responded that I would make it a 'unique' visitor counter. This means it *should* only count each IP address once.

I really don't care if anyone other then me reads my blog. It's more for my own personal entertainment. So poof on Dave. Now that I know he won't be reading it, I can make fun of him here! Just kidding.

PS* Thank God it's Friday. I never thought the day would come. What a goofy holiday week.

New Year. New Blog

Hey Everyone! I decided that in 2008, I would start a new blog and close out my Baby Shafer blog. I won't delete my old blog. Nope. No way. Too special. I just don't have anything more to add to it. I recently added a picture that I made that has Angela's handprints and footprints. That will be the last post. When we are blessed with another pregnancy, I will create a new blog for a new baby, and still keep Angela's separate. Two babies. Two blogs. Two sets of memories.

I was thinking the other day how much 2007 sucked. And there were some seriously shitty moments. I mean, losing Angela was heartbreaking, earth shattering, and life changing...Not a day has gone by that I don't think of her. I still have my weak moments. My tearful moments. And night time is still the hardest.

But then I thought of all the good things. And wow, there were so many good ones too. I think of so much happiness when we were pregnant, finding out we were pregnant, all of the love and support after our loss and most of all, my favorite moment of 2007...when we found out Angela's amnio results came back "normal'. This was by far the day that stands out the most. This is the day when we celebrated our healthy pregnancy and healthy baby. Way more then the day we found out we were pregnant. But the day when we had so much at stake. The day we got the best news. The day we called every member of our immediate family to share the joy and emailed all of our friends and the overwhelming love and the joyous responses we received. So many people loved our baby before they even met her. This was the best day of 2007.

I would be lying if I didn't think that I will still have sad moments in 2008. But I am going to be optimistic in that this year will be fabulous! We have so much to be thankful for, and we are going to enjoy every minute of it. Hopefully...2008 will bring us more baby blessings.

In the meantime, this blog will be fun. I'm sure I'll post about Angela, or other baby loss thoughts...but I've got other topics too.

Wishing everyone a happy and healthy year full of love, peace and joy!

Susie